Sleepless Nights

The clock read 3:29 am as I sat in the dark nursery rocking my two week old baby boy Gideon. The rest of the world was sleeping but there I was, awake. Desperate. Tears streaming down my face. Never had I felt so alone. So isolated. So exhausted. I told myself I just had to make it until morning when my husband would relieve me of my duties. While I sat there frantically trying to persuade my screaming baby to finally give in to the sleep that I craved more than anything, I heard this Psalm come across my audio Bible:

"I wait for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning. More than watchmen for the morning."

Psalm 130:6

It hit me right between the eyes. A Psalm I'd read dozens of times came alive to me that night. I had never longed to see the sun rise as much as I did when I was a new mom. I had never felt so exhausted, I felt that bone tired feeling in the way I did during those first few weeks of motherhood. That night I realized that the longing I felt for the morning to come, for sleep and rest, should be the same hunger and desperation my soul has to know my Maker. The Psalmist said it best when he said,

"As a deer longs for flowing streams, so I long for you, God. I thirst for God, the living God. When can I come and appear before God?"

Psalm 42:1-2

From that point on, when I felt those intense emotions and longings for sleep I used them as a springboard to pray. I asked the Lord to give me those same intense desires to know Him and to know His Word.

Through that season of sleeplessness, the Lord really began to show me that everything He allows me to walk through has a purpose and that purpose is to know Him better, deeper. He wants me to know Him and to know His heart. His love for me is greater than I will ever know. Everything He allows into my life is a demonstration of that love. However hard, however painful, He wants me to come to Him, to long for Him. Because (get this!) He longs for me. He wants my heart.

Friend, what circumstance has the Lord placed in your life to show you Himself? It might seem small and insignificant or it might be the biggest trial you have ever faced. For me it was the normalcy of life with a newborn. Whatever it is, please take it to the Lord right now. Ask Him to give you a new perspective on your situation and to help you to grow in your affections toward Him through it. You see, He has a purpose in everything. Even sleepless nights.